The Bump Snob

The hot summer sun's rays bounced off the pavement, creating a sauna-like effect as Garret and Suki sauntered down 3rd Street, toward Market. Garret spaced out as Suki reminded him which of her friends they'd be meeting later that evening, and their conversation was about the same as any other they might've had when all of a sudden Suki startled him with a loud shriek.

"Woah, what?" Garret turned and saw Suki picking herself up off the ground, a small wheeled, high seated, uniformly sky blue painted bicycle on its side beside her. A youngish, unshaven man with long, wavy brown hair stood above her, apologizing profusely.

"What just happened?" Garret asked.

"Are you blind?" Suki barked at Garret. "Did you not just see this guy barrel into me on his bike?"

Garret looked at the apologizer, who stood with his hands up, palms out, shaking his head, now turning toward Garret, saying, "Bro, I'm so sorry, didn't even see you guys coming, the sun's so bright and I looked away for a moment-"

"Listen man," Garret said, cutting him short, "first of all, don't call me 'bro.' I don't even know you. Second of all, what's the matter with you?"

"Oh, man, nothing. I mean, I'm just really sorry."

Garret helped Suki to her feet. "You okay?" he asked.

"Sure, yes, I'm fine."

The biker emitted an audible sigh of relief, prompting Suki to turn toward him and glare. His look changed instantly to one of fear, clearly afraid of what she might say next.

She looked like she might explode. "What I want to know from you, Mr. Blind Biker Dude, is why in the world are you riding on the sidewalk? Especially up a small street like Church without a single car on it?"

Biker Dude shrugged. "Well, you know…."

Garret and Suki waited for him to continue, but he just stood there.

"No, we don't know!" Suki shouted. "Know what? Answer the question!"

"Well, the street's just so … bumpy." The guy looked down at Church Street's old stone and mortar surface.

"Bumpy? Are you kidding me? Dude, come on! Deal with it! It's a quiet street and a small one at that. Are you telling me you ride on the sidewalk right here because you don't like the uneven surface? What are you, some kind of bump snob or something?"

He shrugged again.

Garret shook his head, part of him wanting to berate the guy and part of him wanting to laugh. He decided to just get his girlfriend out of there. "Suki, forget this guy. The main thing is you're alright. Let's just go."

She shot Garret a disapproving look, but then began walking again toward Market, leaving the two men behind.

"Be more careful, man," Garret said as he went off to catch up with Suki.

"Sorry again, bro."

Garret looked back at the guy, over his shoulder. "Don't call me bro, bump snob!"


  1. The eponymous phrase got me to chuckle at the end, Richard. I don't think I've ever heard or read it before.

  2. Ha! I enjoyed this. I've never heard of a bump snob before. I thought this was going to be about women comparing their pregnancy bumps or trying to hide them! The guy seems like a very fairweather cyclist, going by his bike and his reaction to an uneven road surface in town - at least, he wasn't riding a mountain bike!

  3. Well those bumps can shake you up a bit! Really enjoyed the dialogue in this piece Richard.

  4. The title made me think of that "Pregnant Women are Smug" song. Somehow that made it even more fun to find out how wrong I was!

    This is a wonderful illustration of how incredibly bad some people are at dealing with their physical environment. This cyclist needs to spend some time riding on gravel country roads so he can appreciate what he's got on Church St.

  5. Fun read! I thought the bike dude was going to offer a conciliatory "fist bump" and then be angry when it wasn't returned. Lots of different takes on that phrase! :-)