Monday, January 28, 2013

A Divisive Declaration, via Email

From: Mark G
Sent: Mon 1/28/2013 8:48 AM
To: Mikey Mike
Subject: FW: are you my TRUE friend?

Mike, any idea what sent our old buddy off the deep end?  See below … did you receive this too?

Mark

-----Original Message-----

From: Roderick P
Sent: Mon 1/28/2013 5:55 AM
To: undisclosed-recipients
Subject: are you my TRUE friend?

Dear Friends,

It's come to my attention that certain people comprising a growing minority (or perhaps, by now, a majority) have been swayed by some nebulous, evil force(s) to take away what's rightfully mine and yours, and that while I've fought and will continue to fight with all of my power against this egregious infringement upon my and your unalienable rights, some of you either do not see what's happening as a threat (in other words, you're stupid) or have conceded and joined the movement against me and also, in fact, against (though if you fall into this category, you wouldn't realize it) yourself (in other words, you're even more stupid than the first group I labeled as stupid earlier in this sentence, and you're dangerous too) or, perhaps worst of all, you do not even realize that what's happening is even happening (in other words, you're ignorant).

If you are receiving this email and you fall into any of the categories outlined above, then, kindly allow me to be clear: you are no longer my friend.

That's right, you read that last sentence right, those of you who fall into those categories outlined in the first paragraph above, you traitors.

I'm drawing a line in the sand. You're either with me or against me. If you're not my friend, you're my enemy. If you disagree with me, you're wrong. If you speak out against me, then the joke's on you (ha ha!) because, guess what? I'm not listening!

For all those receiving this email who do not fall into any of the categories outlined in the first paragraph above (which I believe are inclusive of all people with whom I vehemently disagree in this most important of matters, thereby leaving only those with whom I share an outlook and vision), then, kindly allow me to be clear: you are my brothers and sisters, and I love you all.

I'm pretty sure that through my own intuition, I already know where most of you stand, but just to be sure, if you have a free moment in the next couple of days (if you're on vacation or otherwise occupied for the next couple of days, then please reply at least within the next week (take up two weeks if you really, really need that much time)), please reply to this email and make your position known.

Sorry for the mass email, by the way.

Sincerely,

Roderick

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14 comments:

  1. I've seen a few Facebook declarations of this nature lately. :)

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    1. Hi, Karen. Me too, and they were part of what inspired me to write this one.

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  2. I was waiting for him to come out on guns. But regardless, I feel this is what at least one out of every ten Facebook posts is about, sometimes entirely explicitly.

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    1. I know! Isn't it incredible how many Facebook posts have been like this email lately? I did not have a specific topic in mind, but with all of the gun chatter lately, I'm not surprised you thought Roderick might make mention of it. Thanks for your comment, John!

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  3. Where's the friggin delete button - fumbles with keyboard tee-hee

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    1. Ha ha, thanks for your comment, Helen! And I wouldn't blame you if you were to delete an email like this one.

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  4. Yes, that does sound rather familiar! I wonder what "it" is, but it doesn't need to be included

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    1. Hi there, Maria, and thanks for your comment. Good to know you didn't think the "it" needed specification.

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  5. I don't do Facebook, but I know that a lot of upset is caused when people feel the need to do a little "Culling" amongst their "Friends".

    Karen (^^Above^^) says she has seen a few Facebook declarations of this nature, and I can well believe it, I think statements like this say a little something about people's insecurities concerning Facebook friends.

    I'm not sure if it was your intention or not Richard, but I found the read quite amusing too. :)

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    1. Hi, Steve! I definitely intended this one to be humorous, so I'm glad you found it amusing.

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  6. Can't help wondering why he didn't just send one email to the people he liked and one to the people he didn't...

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    1. Hi, Icy! I agree that your suggested plan would make more sense, but it seems to me that people often like to stand on ceremony nowadays and make a big show of their opinions to their detractors and allies alike. Seems to me the message often becomes less important than the fact that they're making these grandiose statements.

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  7. It appears to me that hes been wronged or a bad breakup where his friends are taking sides. Seen this a lot on Facebook too and although i find it attention seeking i still find myself reading them, so they fulfil their intention.

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    1. Thanks, brainhaze, for stopping by and for leaving a comment! I like your take on this, Roderick having been wronged or experiencing a bad breakup. And your point that these sort of posts are transparently attention seeking, and yet we often find ourselves reading them in full - this resonates with me as well.

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